Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Drown still at large!


The Drown saga continues:

Last night the coast was tense as Mr. Plod’s  heliochopter searched for Drown. Locals huddled behind locked, barred and bolted doors, nervously clutching cricket bats, hockey sticks, cast iron pans, chain saws, strimmers, forks, rakes, spades and other implements of destruction.

Commercial news teams swarmed like flies around a honey pot.   Reporters from Spiff news, who have recently been accused of redefining “eye witness”, were keen to thrust recording devices up the noses of anyone who opened his or her door.  In subsequent Spiff  bulletins, Tom “an eyewitness” announced ”I didn’t see anything” while Doreen “another eyewitness”  eagerly told viewers “Something definitely happened. I didn’t see or hear anything but something definitely happened.”

A televised debate was quickly convened between unknown academics who are experts at having opinions.  Dr. D, famous in very limited circles for his seminal work “Foucault and The Bath Sponge: modernity, postmodernity and plastic ducks” debated with Dr. A,  whose justifiably unknown “Derrida was French and didn’t like Cheese: nationality, rationality and diary intolerance” is considered essential reading by nobody. Both agreed they had never heard of Drown but while they were agreeing on the undoubted significance of “Hetero Normative Patriarchal Discourse” the program was hijacked by tweets from a retired underwater hockey player who announced that Drown is the evil mastermind behind the doping scandal in sport and the resignation of the Pope. 

A viewer poll showed there was unanimous disagreement, but when Dr. A agreed and said Down was also probably behind global warming,  98% of tweeters tweeteed to say she was being silly.

Attempts to interview Noddy, who has just been appointed Mayor of ToyTown, failed because “Yous guys have been so mean to me. So I’m not talking to yous”. He claimed he was also busy not talking with environmental groups who are questioning the sanity of his plans to build a space ship terminal, intergalactic gambling casino, red light district and formula one race track on an unnamed sand bank that sometimes appears off the coast at very low tide. “You’re all so negative’ he said. 

No further sightings of Drown have been reported. Mr Plod says this just goes to show how dangerously clever this criminal genius must be.

The crisis is ongoing. Who knows when or where Drown will strike next.  

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